Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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