is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
