Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
