Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
