Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
