Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
