I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
