She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
