I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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