2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
