I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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