You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My pussy is not your playground.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
