i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
