Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just want nice things and good sex
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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