i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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