I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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