Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
