New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
