So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
