Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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