I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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