can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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