she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
