ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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