i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
