That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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