Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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