There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
