the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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