I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize