If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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