I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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