Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
