She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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