you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
