I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
