I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
