my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
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well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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