Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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