life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
