my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
