I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
