the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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