you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
