pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
