So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
