i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I FOUND THE LEGS
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
