I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
