I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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