M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
