I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
