I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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