batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
