remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
