Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
