Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
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I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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