I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
