I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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