You're so nebulous sometimes
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
