ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
