i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
