They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
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When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.