can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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